What to Do When You Hate Your Boss? (Helpful Step-by-Step Guide)

by

Your boss ruins your day. You hate them, you can’t stand them, and you don’t even know why. But you also can’t quit because either you’re not ready yet or you kinda like your job and the people you work with. So how do you reconcile this? How do you stop hating on your boss?

You can stop hating on your boss by acknowledging that there’s an issue and that the issue won’t be resolved by you just hating on your boss. Treat the situation as a problem that needs a solution. Label your emotion – which is hate – then set it aside so you can tackle the conflict objectively, professionally, and collaboratively. 

I’ve had too many bosses in my career. And I would say, I hated at least two of them. One I hated unreasonably when I was still a very young professional. She tried all possible ways to build a good working relationship with me but I was just not having it. I was too proud and naive. The worst part is, I didn’t even know why I hated her. The second boss I would say I hated for some valid reasons. She was not supportive, she would throw people under the bus, and had the worst people skills. There’s another boss I thought I hated. Turned out I was just scared of her because she was extremely smart and confident. Notice the pattern? All these bosses I hated are females. I’ve never hated a male boss for some reason. And this somehow tells me it’s me and not them. And that’s when I started activating below steps whenever I would catch myself internally conflicted with my boss.

Below are the steps you can do to stop hating on your boss.

• Manage your hate.
• Perform root cause analysis.
• Think from your boss’s perspective.
• Assess yourself.
• Create an action plan – and actually do it.
• Have a dialogue – or more if necessary.
• Wait it out.
• Weigh your options.

Let me expound.

Manage your “hate”.

Acknowledge the emotion, label it, then set it aside (or completely let it go). When a bothering feeling is verbalized (either internally or with someone) and treated like an object separate from you, it loses its power. You are a human being. You are allowed to hold a range of emotions. However, hate is a strong feeling. It is unhealthy, unnecessary, and hurts you more than the other person. It is also toxic and lessens your ability to think straight – which can negatively impact your job performance. So, getting rid of it is your best bet. Instead of nurturing it, find ways to flush it out of your system. Write your thoughts on a piece of paper, pour all your emotions onto it, commit to letting it go, and then burn it. Or meditate until you are at peace. You can also have a good workout until your mind is clear. Know that you are much bigger than this hate. Always claim your power back.

Perform root cause analysis.

Now dig deeper. Why do you hate your boss? What are the things about them that you don’t appreciate? What usually triggers you? Is it about what they do or who they are? These are two completely different things. Does your superior micro-manage you? Constantly call you out but never seem to appreciate your work? Or maybe you think you’re better than them? Do you associate them with someone or something you don’t like? Or are they downright rude, condescending, or incompetent? Do you secretly want their attention? Or maybe it is peer pressure – you hate them because everybody else seems to hate them? You don’t need to justify or expound. Just be honest and list down all possible reasons.

Think from their perspective.

Using your list of possible reasons above, try to think of justification from your boss’s perspective. If you hate your manager/supervisor/lead because of what they do, then attempt to rationalize why they do what they do. Maybe they are stressed out? Spread out thin? Are they indeed rude or just matter of factly? Analyze their day and how they are with other people. Are you really singled out or they are consistently treating everyone the same? Are they incompetent or just new in their role and still in their learning curve? Do you think what they do is personal or maybe they just lack some soft skills? Is it possible they’re just not aware of how they come across? These questions are important to rule out the possibility of you hating them because of wrong perceptions and not because of what they actually do.

On the other hand, if you hate your boss because of who they are, then it’s a completely different story. Their make up is something that’s beyond their control. Examples of these are their race, their culture, where they’re from, their sexual preferences, their family and other things that are inherent. If these are the reasons you hate them, then there’s something fundamental within you that you need to work on. Educate yourself about unconscious bias, understand diversity, and seek help on how you can become more inclusive.

Assess yourself.

Assess your performance. Are you serving your purpose and adding value to the team? Does your boss have valid reasons to call you out and provide you feedback? If yes, why would you not appreciate feedback? Do you appreciate the feedback but maybe not the approach? How much time do you spend with your boss? Is it possible that you just lack communication? How do you communicate with your boss? Are you passive-aggressive? Is there a possibility at all that you’re adding fuel to the fire? Or maybe both of you are just strangers still trying to figure out each other? Are your work styles different? Is there a chance that it’s all a misunderstanding? 

Create an action plan – and do it.

List down actionable items for each of the identified root causes above. Start with a clean slate, remove all biases, and be open to possibilities. Your action items may include opening communication lines, reaching out first if possible, improving your performance, and asking for feedback. Also, settle differences in work and communication styles. Involve your boss more by engaging them and asking for their recommendations. Congratulate them on their achievements and offer help whenever needed. Try to see the good in them, be a good experience, and see what happens.

Have a dialogue.

We all know how powerful dialogues are yet we dread them. Well, who likes difficult, awkward conversations, right? However, it’s only difficult when you don’t consistently do it. Practice makes progress. So the more that you make “conversations” your norm, the more that it becomes like a regular tool that you employ whenever needed. So take this chance to have that long-overdue conversation with your boss. Below are some tips to make the most out of it – or at least to ensure it does not turn for the worse.

• Stick to the facts, remain calm and professional.
• Do not call names, instead cite specific examples of behavior. 
• Explain how these specific behaviors make you feel and why.
• Follow-up with any enlightenment or explanation from them. 
• Highlight your achievements and contributions.
• Finally, ask for an agreed action plan.

Do not say: You are a micro-manager.

Instead say: I can’t help but notice that all of my day-to-day activities are required to be done your way, and need your constant review and approval. I would like to feel empowered by knowing I can enjoy a reasonable amount of autonomy especially in making informed decisions. Please let me know if there’s any part of my performance that you think is below expectation that warrants supervision so that I may improve them, or how I can better gain your trust.

Most of the time, these talks yield great results. To the point where you’d ask yourself why you didn’t do it sooner. Congratulate yourself for proactively taking the high road.

Wait it out.

Things won’t improve overnight. Your boss will also need some time to process these things. While waiting, consistently reinforce all the action items from your dialogue so your boss understands that you’re serious about it and that you’re holding your end of the bargain. If a follow-up conversation needs to happen, schedule another time with them. Let them know you appreciate the improvements in the relationship. Depending on your circumstances, give it 1 to 3 months.

Weigh your options. 

If any of the above steps did not work out, start weighing your options.

• Chain of command – you can provide feedback to your boss’s boss. Let them know of all of the steps you’ve taken to resolve the conflict, your expectations, the current situation, and how this impacts your productivity and overall wellness. Ask for help.
• HR – if it’s something that warrants HR intervention, do not hesitate to involve them.
• Internal movement – is there a possibility you could move to a different team or department? Is there a promotion you can perhaps apply for? Explore these options.
• External opportunities – also, understand that you are not in a cage. There are opportunities outside as well. Send out job applications. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treated right and looking for it someplace else.
• Coexist – see how you can also co-exist with your boss. Maybe you can continue doing your job with less interaction with them. Or divert your attention to something more worthwhile like improving your performance, growing as a professional, and strengthening your relationship with your colleagues. Challenge yourself and let your work speak for you. Co-exist while staying calm, objective, and professional.

At the end of it all, it’s still possible that your relationship with your boss won’t improve. But at least you’re no longer hateful. And you can tell yourself too that you did your part in resolving the conflict – you didn’t just sit there waiting for things to happen. It’s hard to choose to be the bigger person but these are the experiences that allow us to grow and mature. Do not shy away from them.

In conclusion, you are in charge and therefore in power to resolve conflicts regardless of whether you are the boss or not in the situation. Free yourself from hate, and always be part of the solution. Thank you if you made it this far. I hope you’re having a positive wokeforce journey.

by