Things Your Boss Does Not Want You to Know

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You’ve probably suspected these things to be true all along but not one boss has ever dared to admit them – and for good reasons. Bosses want to keep things professional at work and do not like any uncalled-for attention. They prefer their team to focus on work. Not on some trivial or personal details about their team leader, supervisor, or manager. It’s just easier this way. 

But, I’m obviously here to spill some beans. Not to throw your bosses under the bus but to humanize them. Yes, they are human beings. And maybe one way to effectively build and maintain a good working relationship with them is to try and understand their internal conflicts between being just a regular person and being a boss in the workplace.  

I was a people manager myself for 10 years and been working since 2003. So I have had a considerable amount of experience with the topic. For more than a decade, I was surrounded by countless other leaders, bosses, supervisors, managers, business owners, HR professionals, mentors, and career coaches. I’ve been in numerous relevant conversations and situations too – both personally and vicariously. Being in this position is both interesting and colorful – but also stressful and demanding. So, what really is the T?

Well, here are some things about your boss they might not want to admit.

• They have favorites.
• They also have their least favorites.
• They sometimes develop crushes on their team members.
• They want to be friends with you but need to keep things at arm’s length.
• They can see through you.
• They need some peace and quiet.
• Both of you hate the same things.
• It’s not about you.
• They’re vulnerable and lonely at the top.
• They appreciate sincere human connections.
• They can only do so much.
• They do not like being compared to other leaders.

They have favorites.

And the only reason they won’t admit to having favorites is that people are quick to judge that having favorites is equivalent to being partial and unfair. This is not true. Good leaders can stay objective despite having favorites. It’s part of their skillset and competencies. And believe it or not, their favorites are most of the time not even the top performers of their team. Their favorites are those who are easy to work with, do not cause any problems, and click with them on a personal level. Or someone who simply makes them laugh. This is understandable since managers are usually under a lot of pressure and the last thing they need is more stress. 

They also have their least favorites.

The opposite is also true and for the exact opposite reasons. If you’re adding more work to their already full plate, you gossip, you reek negativity, always complain but do not suggest solutions, then kind of expect this. Doesn’t mean you’re going to get penalized for it, it’s just your boss’s natural human reaction to things they don’t resonate with.

They develop crushes on their team members.

And they’re a pro at concealing it for obvious reasons. People frown upon it, it draws unnecessary attention, it can get misinterpreted, and because quite frankly no one really needs to know. But is there something wrong with it? I don’t think so. Again, it’s a natural human tendency. If you don’t act on it, you don’t let it get in the way of anyone’s work, it doesn’t impact anything, then it’s nothing. Just another reason to show up at work.

They need to keep interactions at arm’s length.

Leaders usually keep things at arm’s length in order to effectively draw boundaries. This makes things less complicated and more scalable. This doesn’t mean they can’t be human enough to engage in personal conversations, or exchange witty banters with you, or have a couple of drinks during happy hours. This only means being aware of the professional relationship that exists and choosing to keep it healthy. And this is by keeping confidentiality, impartiality, and perception management in mind at all times.

They can see through you.

They know when you’re making up excuses, they know when you’re trying to suck up, and they know when you’re being less than sincere. They’ve worked with enough people, they’ve heard all sorts of excuses, and they were once in your shoes. They’re going to let things slide once or twice but know you’ve started to create a story in their head. My tip is to just be truthful and sincere.

They need some peace and quiet.

Like solo parents of toddlers at home, they also need some peace and quiet. If they just got back from a long client meeting or back-to-back business reviews, they would want to settle a bit in their office first before hearing you knocking on their door again. They appreciate space and the opportunity to regain their energy and sanity. Even if they always greet you with a smile, and say that their doors are always open.

Both of you hate the same things.

They don’t like difficult conversations too. So whenever they provide you constructive feedback, or when they hand you a write-up, they feel terrible as well. People naturally love breaking good news and so no one really likes the opposite. But since they have a job to do, a performance level to maintain, or a business to run, they don’t have a choice but to subject themselves to these less-than-exciting situations. 

It’s not about you.

When your boss didn’t say hi back, or forgot your name, or sent you a somewhat cold email, it’s likely it was not personal. They could just be under a lot of stress, spread out thin, or perpetually pre-occupied.

They can be vulnerable and lonely at the top.

This is especially true for beginner leaders. They’re fresh out of their individual contributor role and still used to being surrounded by former teammates. Now that they’re promoted, they’re bound to make unpopular decisions that get the ire of people, point out others’ mistakes that also get the ire of people, and be involved in HR disciplines that – you guessed that right, also get the ire of people.

Leaders are prone to gossip, misconceptions, and judgment. And rarely that they get the chance to defend themselves because most times, they don’t even know what’s in the grapevine. They just trust that people will come forward and communicate their issues directly. These are some of the reasons new leaders contemplate stepping down and going back to being individual contributors again. The transition is rough, which brings me to my next point.

They appreciate sincere human connections.

Bosses are just human beings. They get stressed out, frustrated, and sometimes insecure. But people rarely check on them to see if they’re okay. Their title makes them look like they don’t need help – or that they’re unapproachable. However, in all honesty, they also crave sincere human connections. A simple thank you post it, a validation note, a good morning before starting the day, or an offer to help could mean a lot to them. 

They can only do so much.

They are just employees like you. Sure, there are other things they can do or decisions they can influence, but at the end of the day, they can only do so much. They do their best to remove obstacles and provide you with the best support, however, their resources are not infinite. They only work with what they have and most of the time, they can’t even communicate all the true roadblocks due to confidentiality – and this magnifies employee dissatisfaction – at their expense. 

They do not like being compared to other leaders.

We live in a society that subconsciously favors the extroverted ones. They’re fun, outgoing, and considered the life of the party. Employees are drawn to bosses with these traits. However, not everyone is the same. Some bosses may be a bit introverted and just trying the best they can to engage and be half as fun as their colleagues. And this is observable in other circumstances too. Some leaders are more expressive, some are more reserved. Some bosses are more motherly and amiable, some are strong drivers. Some are cool, some are by the book. All of them have their own share of strengths and weaknesses. They’re all unique and special in their own ways. And when team members do not recognize these and start unnecessarily comparing leaders based on personalities, it strains them. How good they are as leaders should be based on skills, competencies, and merits. Not on a popularity contest.

In summary, our bosses are not supernatural creatures.  They are regular people holding regular jobs trying to do their best. They may be operating from a different perspective, but they are not removed from reality. They are not perfect and some of them may have serious flaws. However, always resort to communicating your issues directly, professionally, and through the correct channels. 

I hope this enlightens you a bit in getting to know your boss better. And if you are aiming to become a boss yourself in the future, I wish this article gives you a bit of an idea of how it might look like for you when that time comes. Again, thank you for spending a few minutes of your time with me. See you next week.

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